


Tim

by 8hephaestion8



Series: Perspectives [2]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, Boys Kissing, French Kissing, Kissing, M/M, Sex, Underage Kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 09:47:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14691635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8hephaestion8/pseuds/8hephaestion8
Summary: This is a work of fiction - I do not know these people.This is my take on Timothee's perspective. He is probably the most mature of all the participants in this story.  And he is the most private, but also the person who from where I am sitting is a what you see is what you get person.  He just doesn't like to show everything in social media.  I also think he is naughty, there are hints that he is self possessed and because he is genuinely interested in people, he is not phased by them either.There are a couple of paragraphs which are sensitive, these are highlighted - they do not involve any violence.





	Tim

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

I am a private person

In repose my face is serious, I’ve learned how to pose on the red carpet but I still find it difficult to act cool at these events I can’t help myself if I find something funny or see someone I love it breaks all over my face.  That is why we are shit at hiding cos he is worse than me.

The first time I saw him I couldn’t work out what was happening he seemed kind of embarrassed, his eyes blazed black I was bemused you’ve heard the stories seen many interviews he takes up a lot of space, the room was small he stumbled in, and fell out of the door. I turn round to look at Roberto. When he had gone we both chuckled, he put a smile on my face, I saw in him this gauche mixture of movie star and normal person, I liked him.  I am used to working with super stars, Oscar winners Matthew and Christopher; aloof but fun British actors like Damien.  Luca had introduced me to Tilda we got on like a steam train (she is wild, I want to work with her), he didn’t phase me.  In fact I thought he hasn’t reached his full potential, why is he doing this small film? I had nothing to lose if it failed I could go back to New York do a play or Brian would line something up, I already had Hostiles, Beautiful Boy, Ladybird and the ill-fated Woody Allen film ahead of me.  I am not even going to apologise, I went in with my eyes open, I knew that it was a risk.  But I like taking risks, what is life without a challenge?

Nobody tries to tell me anything – I am very certain about what I want, and how I am going to do it, the only times I have floundered was when I tried to fit in, I still have problems with people who try to label me to make me fit into whatever box they happen to be standing in themselves. I do not give a fuck.  Armie is the same we are either on it, love you or will leave you, we do not share our essential selves with others. We are possessive and jealous, we trust each other, and we trust our actions and opinions, independently and mutually. We have a pact it does not need to be written, it is a bond an understanding we get whatever it is to be the other, we love each other, there it is I said it, you better fucking believe it. I am young they call me a kid but Armie is my better half, my one true love, the man I want to share the rest of my life with, this is no shit.  The marker has been put down it is not coming up.

* * *

 

That fucking woman has tried me, I know how she feels losing her husband – I have lost him while he is making up his mind. That is how it goes. I have nothing more to say, from here on in if you see TFW you’ll know who I mean.

* * *

The first time I saw him naked I nearly died, no it wasn’t the size of his dick stupid that was in proportion to the rest of his body, he was just so fucking magnificent and it wasn’t even in a sex situation.  We had gone swimming and he was changing, he wasn’t self-conscious, if you have noticed he doesn’t apologise for his height and build.  He stands up straight. He has good posture, and his body is like a Michelangelo statue (the dick is bigger lol), I couldn’t help myself, I started to appreciate him, he was like a motherfucking long drink of water in the desert, I nearly came just looking at him, mdr - that’s a joke, don’t take me serious.  Well I kind of meant it when I said I nearly came, it had been three months since I had taken anyone to bed, I was twenty what do you expect the dick wants what it wants it stood to attention, I had to apply three fingers. I recognised it for what it was – a mechanical reaction.  I am emotionally and professionally responsible and knew that I had to film scenes with him that were intimate, it wouldn’t do to be sporting a stiffy (I picked that word up from Tilda) the bigger thing was that I didn’t know him well enough.  I am not above fucking, the one off, the we are only going to be in this place for a few days thing, I work in the industry – it is around me all the time.  You’ve seen my YouTube videos, I’ve been getting the ‘dome’ since I was 15 I am not innocent and I have had sex with men and women, I told you I am fluid, well I hinted at it didn’t I ;-/ I take life as it comes, and it comes in many colours, shapes and sizes.

I understood very early on that this was not going to be a casual relationship.  Luca got me out to Italy six weeks before filming started, he got Armie out there three weeks before.  I was enjoying myself, I had just come off a play that was intense and a film before that I work fairly regularly and at that stage I would take anything that was reasonable just to get experience, Brian guides me I had good advice from him and from my parents, I confided in Pauline she is my helpmeet I can talk to her about anything, things I wouldn’t discuss with Mom.  I love Pauline because she is selfless in the face of sibling favouritism; it’s difficult for siblings because parents do it as well – well Mom did, she loves Pauline but she loves me more I am the apple of her eye cannot deny it, Pauline had to get out of New York.

I use my parents as a template for long distance relationships – I know they can work, Papa works in France so spends long periods of time away from home.  I know it is possible to maintain a love over long periods of absence, I see how my Papa is when he is home – they are independent but dependent on each other, their love and absolute belief in each other is very clear to me so having Armie away from me is something I can deal with. I have good examples.  I have seen that when one gives the other takes, what is given is given freely – not weighed or measured. When we were young Mom would spend whole summers in France, work and her life in America came to a standstill, when she needed him home during my teenage years Papa arranged his life so that he was never away more than a week.  It didn’t put a strain on the marriage because they recognised what was needed to make the family work, they knew what they wanted they talked they discussed, not only with each other but with us.  I never had to argue with them about what I wanted to do – if I could argue my case coherently then I could have what I wanted, they never denied me anything, but I had to live with the consequences it made for a very rocky period in my life.  They gave me my head and stood around to pick up the pieces.  I am grateful.

This is all you need to know, you have my background.

* * *

  
I soon knew jealousy would a component of our relationship someone would touch me on set and I could see him hackle he needed this to prove my worth to him without it he didn’t know if it was real it was a definite sign no messing  
  
I thought I would see how he really felt before I spoke   
  
Remember I was only 17 when Luca got me on board, he didn’t look for anyone else - it took a while for the project to come together, he knew me. I had been fighting to live my life on my own terms since I was 14.

  
17 but looked 13, my looks and build drew some unwanted attention in the industry. I could smell them a mile off. I had that soft innocent look that only youth has it traps and attracts people. When I was 10 Mom sat down, and was very clear with me.

"There will be people who make you feel uncomfortable. If you ever feel like someone is talking to you in a way you don't like Tim, or they touch you or otherwise make you feel wrong tell me, or tell your guardian."

Later she would tell me to speak up. I was brought up in a household where it was acceptable to defend your position a reasoned argument never failed, we could discuss anything. When I was 12 my mother bought me a 50 Cent record, Pauline was super wild, her problem was that she was by nature good a good child who couldn’t see that sometimes you just had to take what you wanted.  I understood Luca when he spoke of fear and desire – the knowing, the wanting and the taking.

* * *

I have a way of displaying different aspects of my character on my face sometimes this happens in a matter of seconds. The more astute take time to register this and stay talking, others take the first thing they see and that becomes their fix on me. He could see everything.  You think I’m hiding how I feel, I told you I was private, well I am, I am also trying to be an authentic person - I feel easily I can’t put all of that out there.  I love my fans, because I understand them they are pure they don’t know me but they love me, unconditionally, like Mom like Armie.  My eyes are still like saucers when I see my heroes or people that I admire, and I admire Armie, you have seen me on the red carpet – oh I spoke about that earlier.  Where did I get to?  
  
I would put my hand on him just to see his eyes blaze at first he didn't realise what I was doing. It would amuse me. Oh, we haven’t got there yet.  Let me set things up.

* * *

I was really enjoying being in Italy – American shoots are based on flying in, getting your work done, getting on with your colleagues doing what your director tells you, listening to producers while they talk their product shit, doing contracted promo.  No more than this was required.  It was different with Luca.  He asked me to come out early, I’d been paid so it was no skin off my nose – my expenses were being met, I would get to spend Spring and part of Summer in Italy; like all actors I had lied about my skills (I paid for that) had the necessary lessons, so I had got most of what I wanted.  Luca would visit me during my lessons, I would visit him for dinner with Ferdinando his partner, there was a gap of 15 years between them, it worked well for them.

Luca wanted Armie away from his mad family routines – TFW had him running around playing happy families, he never got a chance to just sit down, there was always something to do either family or work related. Although he bounced into the room that morning, by the end of the week I had talked with him sufficient to realise that he was a modern Prometheus. I listened closely while he discussed his relationships with his parents, his upbringing, how he had replaced his family with likeminded friends – I felt grateful for my family. I liked him he treated me as an equal and did not try to play the big Hollywood star.

I am not sure when I realised that I falling in love with him.  I am not blind, I could see he was handsome and he was built, I am tall close to six foot, Armie is six foot fucking five, when he puts his hand on me I feel a mixture of fear and arousal – it fed my kink of having someone who could literally overpower me.  When I noted that I could put my puny hand on him and his eyes would go black, I realised that I needed to take whatever was happening seriously – like I said earlier it was also highly amusing, I would push him to see how much he could take.

One day during our third week together he invited me for dinner, well he asked if I wanted to drop over for a take-out and beer – see how I called it a date, oh I didn’t did I, well that is what it was.  I arrived at 8, it was later than we had agreed – I thought I would amble along when I was ready start off as I meant to go on. I could see that he was on tenterhooks, he had bought all my favourite foods well what I had told him were my favourite Italian foods – I didn’t have a large repertoire, food was fuel to me, also Mr Hammer could hold his drink I wouldn’t stand a chance if he started on that road.  I was shocked when he threw me out at 10.00pm, I had come prepared for a long night and more chat if you know what I mean, I felt like we had barely got started, fucker.  If that was how he was going to play, then he had better get fucking ready.

The next day, I ignored him.

The following day I knew I was gonna be out of town to visit my Italian tutor who was taking some classes in Milan, I thought I would spend the day up there.  He didn’t know that I would be gone.  The text messages started at 8am and ran steadily through the day.  I didn’t answer them.

When I got back to the apartment at 9pm, he was on the doorstep.  I told you he was possessive.

I was kinda frightened and also excited.

“Fancy a nightcap?”

“Why not? Don’t want to be too late though, must be in bed by 10pm”

He looked at me.

“Listen you little fucker, I know what you are doing – I am not playing with you.  I like you, I want to spend time with you and I am past the age of playing games.”

He didn’t know me.

“Well if you want to spend time with me, why did you throw me out early on Tuesday?”

“I didn’t throw you out.”

“Yes you did. You told me you wanted to go to bed, you were so tired, still not recovered, travel and time difference blah blah blah – and then you started yawning.  Isn’t that a fucking hint?”

He started laughing.

“I can see I am going to have to be more direct” 

He took my arm and marched me to our favourite bar –this is how it goes, we already had a favourite bar, he knows my favourite food, I know what triggers his anxiety; we had already gone far into a relationship without understanding that we had already begun one.

Midnight. He walked me back to the apartment, I could see he was waiting for an invite to come in.  I contemplated it. I wasn’t ready and neither was he. I pecked him goodnight, he held me close and went home like a good boy.

The next day was Friday, Luca called us for the infamous rehearsal.

This is how it went.

Luca over lunch:  “Let’s have a rehearsal this afternoon”

Mr Hammer: “What has brought this on? You never want to rehearse.  You better not want too much, after lunch, I am intending to be stuffed and drunk”.  

He was languid, stretching, I was to one side eye fucking him,

Luca: “I feel you are ready.”

I was all attention. I knew Luca better than Armie, he had something planned.

Me: “What scene Luca?” 

I knew what fucking scene Luca wanted to do.

Luca: “Let’s see, I think a warm-up would be good”

Mr Hammer: “We’re nearly finished anyhow, I’ll just go and wash my hands, where do you want to do this?”

Luca: “Join us in the garden behind the Palazzo”

Mr Hammer: “The garden? What scene takes place in a garden?”  He genuinely did not catch on.

30 minutes later, the three of us are gathered on the lawn behind the Palazzo.  I have got to the page in the script.

Armie is standing there looking anxious.

Luca: “Here is fine, get on the grass, we are going to do Scene 75”

I read out the stage directions.

“They make out on the grassy bank”, got on the ground, my smile was less than kind, I beamed it up at him.

“Come on Armie, get down here. I’m ready, let’s do it”

Mr Hammer lies down beside me.  Now he is very anxious.

We started to kiss, movie star style mouth open no tongue. We paused.

I whispered to him:

“I got you Armie, I will never make you feel small or make fun of you – this won’t work if we don’t trust each other”

He looked very deep into my eyes.

We started again, this time like 16 year olds at a prom. Suddenly Luca went loco.

“No! No! No! I want commitment, passion, fire - I will put up with nothing else, what is wrong with you?”

This time I saw him and he saw me. 

He gathered me up, rolled me on the floor and looked down at me.  His face came close, I held his gaze.  His lips started with my mouth, I opened to receive.  He opened his eyes and pressed his lips to mine again, this time our tongues began brushing, tasting, rough, and then slick. His tongue licked my mouth, open up, he was prompting me, asking me if this was OK, I opened wider to let him push his tongue right into my mouth, he turned his head to get a better fix and fill. My hands went to his chest, I wanted to hold him tight. When he felt me do this, his hand moved down my body and pulled my lower body into his. Oh, I thought, I am enjoying this.  I put my leg over his hip, he pulled me closer and began to roll my groin into his hip, I hooked my leg over his I was open. We carried on like that for some time, let me repeat that, for some time.  His hands were passing over and down my body, my dick began to get hard, I didn’t care I could feel that he was having some dick reaction too.  It was when we realised that the next step would be to start grabbing hold of dicks, and my hand was moving between our bodies to get a proper feel, that Armie looked up.  Luca had gone.

I got his attention back by moving my leg between his, pressing against him rubbing my knee against his thigh back and forth to mimic intercourse. I switched the leg back, over his body. He gripped me the better to get full purchase, my leg was now sliding up and down. He groaned and pressed back his whole body against mine. I could feel his dick fully extend, it was hard enough for sex and I wondered what it would be like to have him inside me. Yes I had gone that far - from then on I knew which way this was going. And I didn't care who saw us.

[Armie: this is when I knew I really wanted to fuck him. My dick was ready for him it yearned for him I had no control over it, I had the first of many moments when I really didn't know what was up and what was down when I was in his arms, I just wanted him]

The next day we pretended like nothing happened, but were highly aware of each other.

We meaning Armie & I, Luca, Peter, Walter, Sayombhu & Ferdinando all met for breakfast to discuss the following week when filming was due to start, making plans, and adjusting the schedule. We discussed our 'rehearsal' in cool terms like it was normal.  Armie discussed how natural it felt and that he was relaxed about the scenes involving nudity. I held my counsel. Luca’s face was well, you can picture it. The weather forecast was unpredictable with rain, we needed to make contingency plans, the early scenes were in the house but later in the week some outdoor shots were scheduled, we might have to film in doors or allow Sayombhu more time to set up.

Meanwhile merry hell was going on under the table, it was the one you see in the film, luckily Armie was next to me - at the short end, first I brushed my bare foot down the front of his calf, I leant forward and hooked my foot behind his leg. I caught Luca looking at me I ignored him. I sat back and behaved for a while, then leant forward, rested one arm on the table, slipped the other one underneath, and brushed my hand down his thigh, put my hand on his dick and squeezed the head, stroked him, he became hard. He literally pulsed up and then down in his seat, he was trying to keep control of himself. I was getting warning signals from Luca. I avoided eye contact, and went to the toilet - Armie followed me on autopilot I don’t think he knew where he was, that or he had no fucks to give. The table was all gay men, they had been through this before they understood.  I waited until he arrived and I levered him into the cubicle he pushed me up against the wall I opened my body so he could do what he wanted. He stopped, stunned disbelief covered his face - I took advantage whilst he was dumbfounded and pulled out my dick.

“Suck it”

Obediently he knelt down. I pulled at his hair guiding him I wouldn't let him bring me off quickly. I was a bit noisy - he was good, his mouth was soft, his tongue rough, fuck, he could suck at the same time, someone came in, heard and left again, Luca had probably sent Walter to investigate.  I applied three fingers, left him there with his dick hard as well, washed my hands and went back to the table. The others looked at me.

“What? Armie is just getting some water.” I felt triumphant.

He was gone some time. When he came back (without the water) he smelled of sex, his hair was literally standing on end, he looked dishevelled, was out of it for the rest of discussion and making cow eyes at me. Nobody could be under any illusion, it was settled just one more thing to deal with; everyone calmly carried on with a second round of food & coffee.  
  
The meeting closed at 12.00, we were not sure what to do. It was Saturday so we now had spare time until Monday.   
  
"Why don't you go to Clusane, it is a nice town on the coast you won't get any time off for a couple of weeks, it will make a nice short break, come back ready to go on Monday afternoon.  Sayombhu and the crew can set up the house for the first scene in the morning. It is the first day of filming, the crew will need a little time to learn each other’s routines"

Luca smiled very pleasantly at us and put his arm across Ferdinando's shoulders.

“They have a very old church with frescoes and a very good fish restaurant. Ferdinando and I spent a beautiful weekend there when we were courting, we’ll text you the name of the restaurant, let me know if you want the car. Andiamo."

They stepped off in quiet conversation. They were happy and settled, soulmates. It made my heart quicken to see them so contented, but I glimpsed something else pass across Armie's face, he looked conflicted - I was confused, where was my eager dumbfounded boy from earlier. He glanced down, the wedding ring.

“Take it off.”

I held his hand and told him we were going to Clusane, he didn't demur.  
  
I remembered the fatherly advice Michael had offered me - I had taken time to recreate my family on set, Armie only had me. I am always confident in my decision-making but I like to have sounding boards, it’s like talking back to myself if I speak then I clear my thoughts.  Michael was Papa, Amira Mom, and Esther Pauline, it worked very well for me I needed a network of people I could trust.  At home I could add Will and Guillian.  I needed people who I could offload on. My key confidante, Pauline, was in Paris all she could offer was “Have you needed a cushion yet? Word is he has a Pepsi bottle. Ha, ha, ha” and snorted as she put the phone down, bitch.  
  
Michael had said there is a time in a relationship when you decide you have to leave; it is not always easy to work out when that is, and you may not even know that you have made the decision. He added that it should always be a decision you make for yourself - never let someone else or something else be the cause.

I knew I did not want to fuck him yet, we needed to work out how to navigate the situation.  I might tease him and work him up but I was well aware he had commitments.  Regardless of the real state of his marriage, there was a child to consider. 

We had to talk I needed to know where he was in this journey or even if he was on the journey.

We did borrow Luca’s car, a swish Mercedes – he had no loyalty to Italy or Italian produce, he felt he had been badly treated by the Italian film community so abjured feeling guilty about buying non-Italian products.  He had a love of excellently crafted items, so he wouldn’t agree to me driving – I drove an old automatic Toyota, Armie drove, he loves driving.

  * Armie listens to some shit music in the car – that’s something else I‘ll have to teach him.



The car was gliding up the freeway, rather the autostrada.

“So, let’s play a game…”

I hate these games, they always lead to revealing things that should be kept private.

“OK”

“First Kiss”

I had to go first cos he asked first.  Before I could lie, the truth came out of my mouth.

“Shelley.  Junior High.  I didn’t like it”

“Really, what didn’t you like?”

“She put her tongue in my mouth, I wasn’t ready”

“What!  How could you not like it?  What the fuck was wrong with you?”

I looked at him, he got it.

“Oh”

“Well I wasn’t sure, it wasn’t until I got to 16 that I realised that I could be non-binary, you know fluid.  I spent a few years liking people who didn’t like me back – I gave out confusing signals, you know, one moment jumping on the hottest dude in school the next moping around the girl in the corner.  The only thing they had in common was they were androgynous.” 

I was a bit anxious because I wasn’t sure how he would take this. He had to know.  He also had to know that I am an open hearted guy, I can’t help it – if I love you I love you all out and wholeheartedly, but you are not going to break my heart until I let you, you have to prove you want me and it takes more than just fucking.  I know my worth.

“OK, my turn, first serious partner”

“Elizabeth Chambers”

There it was, the first time TFW made me uncomfortable.

“Expand”

Do you really want to know this? was the question on his face, I knew what I was asking.  He looked thoughtful.

“Well…I have known Elizabeth since 2006 we were friends first – I was just testing her....”

He stopped. I could see that he was calculating what to tell me.

“I could tell her anything and I did, who I slept with, what I wanted sexually, who I really wanted to be with, what drugs I was doing, who I had hacked off, how I tried to sabotage my career, aspirations, I told her about my dysfunctional family, anything really, she always offered neutral advice but was always on my side – she could elucidate what I could be responsible for and what I had to let go.  She helped me a great deal”.

I dissembled, I felt envious – she had had him first, she’d the opportunity to shape him, she had given him a child, built a home, helped him to come to life changing decisions.  I was fucking annoyed and it showed. In my head she didn’t deserve him, I wanted him for myself, fuck her I hadn’t known him long but I knew enough to know that I wanted him in my life and that nobody could want him more, which was more than he would ever know.

“When she eventually took up with someone who wasn’t in her league, emotionally or intellectually I woke up and begged her to date me instead. We have known each other nearly ten years. She was what I wanted…at that time…”

He could see how this hurt me, he turned a kind but sombre face towards me.

“That was then Timmy, things are different now.  Look at me, the past cannot be changed or avoided, you have to know where I am coming from, I am not going to now or in the future, ever lie to you – there will be things that are going to be painful, not least as I think we will have to learn how to manage this situation with regard to our careers.  Mutatis Mutandis – we both have to make changes, it is not going to be easy – you understand?”

I did raise my head at this point – what I heard is that we had a future.

The rest of weekend we spent hanging on each other words, family, love, the future, career, desires, ambitions – explanations, clarifying, testing ideas, positions put, everything was up for discussion, we have never stopped talking.   

We had to find somewhere to stay for the next couple of nights, we went to the town centre, the tourist office directed us to a pension or guesthouse, it was small only two bedrooms but once we got there we didn’t even go in, it wasn't private. Armie said fuck it, let’s go to Relais Mirabella, it was discreet, away from the main drag and relaxing.  They recognised Armie and they looked at me, which was the first time I realised how discreet we would need to be. Naive uh? We had been reckless, id was needed to book a room. The film set was one thing the real world another. He booked two rooms one with a king sized bed. We only slept in that one. I childishly thought Fuck the Housekeeper! - sorry remember I was just 20. The first night I jumped up and down on the other bed to disguise our sleeping arrangements but I don't think they were fooled especially as all my stuff was in his room. Afterwards I told myself it's a hotel stupid, they are used to this, didn’t bother the second night. 

Our room had balcony overlooking the water – we could choose to mingle, take ourselves off to our balcony or a quiet corner somewhere in the grounds; for what we needed, it was perfect. We decided to go to the fish restaurant for lunch on Sunday.  Luca was right, fucker.

I am not going to tell you about our nights, I told you I am private – we didn’t fuck.

He tied me up.

We came back to Crema arriving as requested at 12.00 on Monday.  Straight to make-up and hair, we started shooting at 2.pm and finished for the day at 6.pm.  Luca came up to me as I was going back to my apartment -

“Don’t let him tie up you – the marks are still on your body, I can’t film you if you have his marks all over you, do you not understand?  What are you playing at? I can’t change the schedule because you have crazy sex” He was ranting and annoyed.

“Sorry”

I pretended to be embarrassed.  I might have smirked.

I wanted his marks all over my body, when he put his hands on me I saw white marks appear where he held me, he would press my neck, lick and suck my hollows; I bruise easy and I like it, it is proof, and marks me as being already taken, read me look at my body see my lover.  I grow hard just thinking of him.

Luca learned to manage filming so that we didn’t expose ourselves too much.  It wasn’t only Armie who suffered sex fog.

* * *

Like the Spanish saying, he was hard to peel.

Filming was underway, we had routines – days filming, nights spent with each other were not wild – hot sex was too enervating – we succumbed to Luca’s thinking, if we gave all on film we couldn’t give all outside; we were living like a domesticated couple, take outs, dinner with friends (lol, well Luca & Fernandino, Peter & Brian), nights in watching DVDs, our own private rehearsals and readings (honestly that is true not a euphemism), breakfast in bed or at the local café.  We didn’t actually fuck until TFW was due to come back to Crema, (Armie felt guilty, no need to get into details, he bottomed, I was ecstatic), I’ll tell you about that another time.  The important thing is that we were together. 

The time came when we had to be apart, filming had to finish - that is the nature of all things, things come to an end.

Armie went into a fugue state – that is the only way to describe it.  He became difficult, testy he wanted to argue with me, he came to blows with Luca.  He was not happy.  The switch marked ‘have to go home now’ was being pushed down and he did not like it.

TFW was pregnant, he would have to leave me, he was going straight into another film, he had no time to himself, Luca had abandoned us for his next movie suddenly life was unfair – I could see him as he was at 13 and landing up in California, unknown and unloved.  He didn’t understand why this was all happening to him.  It was like nobody had told him CMBYN had a natural end (of course we were wrong, CMBYN went on for two years).

After post production was completed, and the film was sent around for distribution it started picking up a buzz, it was entered for Sundance, the buzz grew, Sony Pictures Classics picked the distribution rights and literally bought the film from Luca and the other producers, the next thing we knew was it was being promoted for awards culminating in Oscar nominations. 

We made mistakes at Sundance to us it was a small film, we were under the radar so we weren’t cautious, eye fucking commenced, fucking resumed. 

We had stayed in touch, we met when we could, we fucked when we could – we weren’t caught and TFW thought it was all a joke.  We even fucked in his house – don’t worry, nobody else was there, TFW was in Dallas with the children. It wasn’t until the London Film Festival that things became serious.  We knew that we were going to spend a lot of time together as a group and wanted to spend some of that time with each other alone, it was rare and treasured, arrangements had to be made.  Brian and Luca were sympathetic – they insisted that Sony book us into adjoining rooms for the promo tour, everybody knew nobody said anything, even the press.  In London Armie blew everything out of the water by insisting on staying at Claridges, he was adamant, he didn’t even do this for TFW, he paid.  He had a reason.

TFW woke up.

It was Milan two.

* * *

Remember I said we had a future, that was shit.  As soon as filming finished I went home to New York, he went to Brentwood, California and holed up – I didn’t hear from him for three weeks.  His excuse was that he was overwhelmed, he had literally got home and shut up shop. He had finally understood what it was to lose someone that he loved, and he couldn’t put all the pieces of his life back together again.  There was his old life: wife, family, stalling career; here was the one he wanted: me, his children and clear career goals.  The fuck, he had waited until he got home to rationalise it, I had been like Elio practising losing him, so it would not hurt as much when he was actually gone. 

Mom took one look at me and gathered me up, I cried on her shoulder – I had to tell her I loved him so much, I was in pieces.  There was nothing either of us could do, on different sides of the country there were two very miserable people.

* * *

I loved being back in his company – and Sundance is private.  We were cautious on stage.  Off stage not so much - we had a lodge, only two rooms.

“ _You’ve got too many clothes on, the fuck get them off”_

_“Shit you are hurting me, wait, wait… oh fuck – Armie wait”, he was trying to pull my jeans off me he only had one good hand, I hadn’t even got my jacket off._

_The jeans were on the floor, he pulled down the boxers too not bothering with his own clothes he went straight to it – pulling the dick to get it up, taking me in his mouth, sucking hard, I had to hold on, his one good hand was clasping my butt. I was biting my lip - He was always good at bjs._

_“God, I have been imagining this for weeks, see this – feel how hard I am for you.” He grabbed my hand, I was frightened, exhilarated sensually overloaded._

_I unzipped his trousers, his dick fell out, and he immediately curled his hand around it; my dick was sticking out, him groaning, me laughing it was comical. Though laughing I still wanted something on my dick either his hand or his mouth I didn’t care which.  I didn’t get it._

_“Turn round”_

_Oh fuck – no lube._

We went to a press event that evening, he was possessive, not caring that he had already marked me, determined no one would come near.  I had to shift around on the chair, every time I moved my ass was on fire – so was my dick.  Concentrating hard on answering questions, constantly reminded of what had come before and what might come after.  He hadn’t taken long to come – we were skin to skin, yes that motherfucker.  I hadn’t wanted to come - I knew that if I waited, later would be amazing.  I was right, because I knew he had to make it up to me.

We got back, he had calmed down, we undressed and I helped him with his shower and night time ablutions.  I even wiped his ass for him.

“So how were you going to manage?”

 “I knew you would help, you can’t resist me”

“So how are we going to do this, you owe me from earlier”

His eyes went black, this is how I like him – scheming, when it benefitted both of us.

“You wanna fuck me?”

I did.

We got up and went into the kitchen, he rested his good arm on the counter and bent over.  That was enough, I went over and started caressing his ass – I was kind and prepared, I had some lube.

“Have you…”

“…Yes” I don’t even know how he managed that.

I had to pay him back, put two fingers straight in, he nearly stood up, settled and spread his feet.  He was squeezing my fingers with his ass.

“Yeah that’s good, getting ready for me?”

He murmured something.

“What?”

“Yes…”

“What?”

“Oh fuck Tim, I can’t think at the moment… what do you want me to say?”

I twisted both fingers, making circles in his ass, the thumb pressing on the outside, he started groaning, I bent round and grabbed his dick, in time patting, stroking and twisting, he was beginning to move around on his feet, the sensations were too much, I could tell he wanted to come.  I removed my hands and plunged right in.

“You…”

“What did you say?”  I withdrew.

Traced his ass with my dick, put it between his cheeks up and down, back and forth.

“Shit”

I like to tease him, he didn’t know what was coming next.  It held up my orgasm so I was helping myself too.  He has very expressive nipples - I made him stand up and properly kissed him no messing, man to man kissing - trailed kisses down his chest and started sucking them licking them, all the time stroking him rubbing his balls. His ass was wide open, I knew he was revelling in that sensation too. I was enjoying having him defenceless.  He was strangely silent apart from the odd breath, mmm or noise from his throat.

“What is the matter with you?”

“Timothy I cannot speak…”

“Bend over”

This time I wasn’t going to stop til I came, I stood on my feet and basically just fucked him, changing rhythm, stopping long enough being deep enough that it was all sensation, he felt amazing we both knew what we had been missing.  I stood still my dick was deep inside him, I told him to jerk off, I felt the muscles in his body move as the orgasm swept through him. I felt the sphincter open and close, a reflex.  I waited a moment he relaxed and I started fucking him again.  Several long strokes later I came - my ass was still on fire I was primed, I told him to stay still, I wanted to wait until I was soft before I pulled out I wanted him to feel my body going through change. He was done, gone, helpless, it was mutual.

We had carried on where we had left off in Crema.  Our affair went on, on and off, until the end of Spring promotional season, and luckily we were still under the radar.  If Spring was the land of plenty, Summer was a drought. Summer when I did see him, we were nearly always in a crowd.  I didn’t get him back to myself until the Autumn.

* * *

“I am going to leave her.”

You know that emoji of the head exploding that was me.

I could hear alarm bells, sirens, klaxons, I was sweating, numb, hot, cold, bowels loose, shaking, every stress reaction– you can name I felt it, holy fuck.

“What did you say?”

“Timothy, you heard me correctly.”

You’ve seen that pensive look I can give, the bemused one when I can’t tell the truth for fear of giving away what I feel, surprise at new information, wonder & joy at seeing Armie, I know you’ve seen them all, you’ve watched the videos – well every one of those crossed my face. I was confused.

We were sitting in the living area of the suite we had at Claridges.  I had been waiting, as it were, for the deluge.

“I love you, I have loved you since Crema”

I still hadn’t gone past what he had said previously, he was leaving TFW.  I knew he loved me.

“Timmy, we have spoken about my family, their expectations, haven’t we?  I told you how Elizabeth and I got together, how our relationship developed, how much I love my children.  But I was, still am, living a half-life – Since Crema I have been trying to work out how I can fit you in, I thought it was possible.  Set up some kind of separate living situation, visit you or you visiting me...”

I interjected “Like your side piece right? Yeah we had that conversation.”

“Wait. Wait...no not like a mistress, you would be my partner I know that doesn’t make sense, well it makes sense if you have a two separate half-lives that you are living… an initial rationalisation, hey, anyway.  Let me finish.  I have spent the last six months having a conversation with myself about what I want, what I need – working out how I can live an authentic life.   I can’t have that authenticity unless you are in it. You are what I want you are what I need.  I cannot manage without you, I can’t do it part-time anymore, every time you leave me I break off another piece of me for you, (I had opened my mouth to speak) wait, don’t say anything yet.  I know you have your career, other friends a whole other life in New York – but I cannot do without you.  I am jealous whether you are with me or not, I can’t bear it when I think of you being with other people and neither of us being able to share our relationship – hiding round corners, pretending that we never see each other, only being open in an oblique way with fans.  I cannot live this coma life anymore.”

“Where does your sexuality come in this whole new world?”

He fell silent.

“That is really hard for me Tim.  I have to acknowledge that I have had feelings for other men, I just haven’t actioned them in a way I have with you.  You know my background, I wasn’t allowed to express them less I was gonna be struck down, biblically speaking anyway.  When I said that Elizabeth helped and believed in me, that is one of the issues I discussed with her, she told me if I felt strongly I should act upon those feelings.  I could feel strongly, but I could also put the feelings to one side – I got as much sex as I wanted, I enjoy the company of women, I have plenty of good male friends.”

I think he realised what he was saying, he had compartmentalised his life, some things should have been combined. 

I also noted that he said ‘got (past tense) as much sex as he wanted’, that pleased me – at least he wasn’t fucking TFW.

“There was one experience I haven’t explored.”

I knew he was going to tell me something that he had never told anyone before, I sat back unsure I wanted to hear.

_“I had not long turned thirteen, a group of us went camping, Peter was a year older – he was the son of one my father’s colleagues.  We found ourselves staying up after the main group had gone to bed, the supervisor was lying down in his tent he hadn’t gone to sleep yet, he had just checked on us._

_Peter and I were friendly, I liked him he was an attractive boy I could see that men and women were interested in him and he was ‘grown up’. One night we were looking at some creature he had caught, he’d made a small enclosure for it, we were looking at it. He touched my arm, looked straight at me and kissed me.  I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, but I knew that I liked it – the same way that you had conflicted feelings after that kiss with Shelley, you knew what you preferred, didn’t you?  I knew with Pete, I was enthralled.  After that we were always together - we shared a tent, eventually we were caught – it never went beyond kissing and mutual hand relief, six months later my ass was in California.”_

“Oh, but that’s not unusual, many boys go through similar consensual activity, particularly when there are only other males around – that didn’t determine your sexuality”

“That is in your world, not in mine – my parents were devastated.  And they told me I had disappointed them. It has preyed on my mind.  I like sex with women, I like sex with you, I have no other experience with men to judge, perhaps I should try sex with another man?”  He smiled wryly.  I gave him the dead eye.

“Don’t fuck with me.” I went on and brought him to heel.

“What was all that stuff about Leo – you actually said in an interview that you got a boner with him.  You were good friends with Henry Cavil, it looks like something was going on there too”

This time he did look abashed.

“I never had sex with either of them.  I am still processing this Tim, as I said I like, I love having sex with you, I know enough to know that that isn’t all there is to a relationship.  I just can’t do without you, I crave your company not just your body.  You make me feel like a whole person, I need all of you.

I like some elements of the gay lifestyle, I am gay friendly, I feel welcomed in the community such as I have experienced with friends, Luca, Peter & Brian.  That still does not mean that I am gay.”

At least he was processing this information, like Luca I thought who knows where his desires really lie - he was hard to peel.  I needn’t concern myself with that just now, he had come to a decision which favoured me.

I wasn’t letting him off the hook –

“How is this supposed to work then?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you are moving out?”

Silence.

“Oh, this is a virtual leaving her then?”  I knew it.

“I can’t just move out”

“How is this supposed to work then?” 

It seemed simple to me, say you are leaving, pack a bag, go.

“Have you told her?”

“Yes”

“I am not going to repeat the question, if it means nothing – I can’t stay”

I started picking up my various items, he sat down – he obviously thought a grand gesture would secure what he wanted which was me committed, not going out to events, only going out to work and meeting some trusted friends who I would not sleep with, until he could bring himself to work out what he was going to do, in other words nothing had changed.  The idiot didn’t realise that I was already committed and had no intention of sleeping or getting with anyone but him.

“Tim help me, I don’t know how to do this. I want to leave but I want to make sure that everything is sorted before I leave the house.  I need to organise custody, make financial arrangements, find somewhere to live and still find time to work.  My mother and Elizabeth are very close – if I tell her that I am leaving Elizabeth for a man, then I really don’t know what will happen.”

I didn’t know what to tell him, the truth – that life is messy and that sometimes you just have to live with the mess until you start clearing corners and work inwards til all is clear, or, just comfort him.  I decided to be practical.  I called Brian.  When I ended the call, I asked the first question Brian had asked me.

“Have you got a divorce lawyer?”

“Fuck, I am not divorcing yet”

“Well what the fuck are you doing then?” That is when I lost it.

“You motherfucking dumbass, how are you going to leave her and not get divorced? You are making me pissed.  What the hell are you doing?  Have you told her you are leaving? Tell the fucking truth.  This is shit – how can someone decide to leave their wife and not get a divorce, what the fuck.”

“Stop shouting, we will be heard.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, you fucking son of a bitch” A stream of obscenities left my mouth.

I picked up my stuff, stuck it in my bag and left the room.  I couldn’t trust myself.  When I got to the lobby, I called Mom. Then I called Nick. I went for a coffee – undecided, angry, if he came in front of me now I would punch him.  This was not like me.

Mom called me back –

“Oh darling, what is happening?” 

I explained, she told me to find a room in another hotel and stay there for the remainder of the London trip, promising to consult with Papa but I noticed that she did not criticise Armie, she offered no other instant advice, she loved him too, that fucking piece of shit had her twisted round his little finger.  I would not get impartial advice from her, she would also call Brian. I heard it as you have just had a lover’s quarrel. I didn’t book another hotel room I went back up to the room.  He let me in – he was talking to Nick.  This was Armie all over, the fucking boat would be sinking he would be the most polite person and let anyone onto the fucking life raft even if it mean he had to get off, then he would sulk about how unfair life was.

“What does Nick say?”  He had finished the call.

He had his head in his hands.

A small voice.

“He asked the same question.  We have talked about me leaving Elizabeth – he asked what I was going to do.  Fuck, I don’t know Tim, now it’s here, I am only now looking at what I am going to lose.  All that shared history, my current life, some of my friends, probably my mother, a lot of money, my house – I am going to have leave her in that house with the children.  How am I going to organise childcare?  What custody? I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t care about not seeing her or Dru. I only care about you, Tim, don’t leave me.”

This was not the entire truth. 

The pain in his face told me all I needed to know.  He had come to the decision to leave but as ever what it actually meant couldn’t be processed until it happened.  I sat down – I had nothing to say, I went over and put my arm around him – he came into my arms, this is where we are. 

I wasn’t going to give in or give him up I am committed, in time these things will pass.  Everything has changed, and in order to deal with this we could not stay the same, life, the river or journey forces change or causes stasis – Armie has some choices to make, I’d stay as long as I could on his journey, but even I realised I couldn’t promise to wait a lifetime for resolution, life must come with qualifications.  Remember I did say: ‘if I love you I love you all out and wholeheartedly, but you are not going to break my heart until I let you, you have to prove you want me and it takes more than just fucking.  I know my worth.’  I don’t know if he remembered.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I don’t think Armie tied Timmy up in Crema that happened afterwards – remember this is a piece of fiction.  
> 2) The three finger technique is used to detumescent i.e. make the penis flaccid, Timmy uses it or a variation of it in the film I am not making this bit up.  
> 3) Mutatis Mutandis - a Medieval Latin phrase meaning "the necessary changes having been made" or "once the necessary changes have been made"  
> 4) Prometheus  
> The four most ancient sources for understanding the origin of the Prometheus myths and legends all rely on the images represented in the Titanomachy, or the cosmological struggle between the Greek gods and their parents, the Titans.[7] Prometheus, himself a Titan, managed to avoid being in the direct confrontational cosmic battle between Zeus and the other Olympians against Cronus and the other Titans.[8] Prometheus therefore survived the struggle in which the offending Titans were eternally banished by Zeus to the chthonic depths of Tartarus, only to survive to confront Zeus on his own terms in subsequent climactic struggles.  
> The greater Titanomachia depicts an overarching metaphor of the struggle between generations, between parents and their children, symbolic of the generation of parents needing to eventually give ground to the growing needs, vitality, and responsibilities of the new generation for the perpetuation of society and survival interests of the human race as a whole. Prometheus and his struggle would be of vast merit to human society as well in this mythology as he was to be credited with the creation of humans and therefore all of humanity as well. The four most ancient historical sources for the Prometheus myth are Hesiod, Homer, Pindar, and Pythagoras. Source: Wikipedia


End file.
